


highway to hell, don't stop me

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9.09 coda, Gen, M/M, cw: brief mentions of panic attacks, cw: depression (duh), cw: major character death (DUH), holy terror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2018-01-03 15:11:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1071932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Not-Ezekiel leaves, it takes Dean a little bit to get off the floor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	highway to hell, don't stop me

> 9.09 coda, major spoilers, not-happy-dean things, etc.

After Not-Ezekiel leaves, it takes Dean a little bit to get off the floor.

When he does, he grabs a blanket he never liked from one of the chairs in the library and covers Kevin’s body with it. He remembers seeing the younger boy with it wrapped around his shoulders all the time.

He’ll deal with… he’ll deal with  _that_  later. He can’t think about it right now. 

His phone is sitting on the nightstand in his room and when he finds it, he paces around his room as he dials Cas’ number. An automated voice tells him that the number is out of range. Cas never set up his voicemail so he can’t even leave him a message. Dean stares at the phone for a moment before tossing it onto the bed out of frustration and starting to pace again.

 _Sammy’s gone, Kevin’s dead, Cas stole another dude’s Grace, he thinks you don’t want him here and you fucked up again, Winchester_ , Dean mentally chastises himself. He’s never been good at accepting his failures and just letting them go; he has to relive them. He doesn’t even know where to begin to start fixing this.

 _Cas has his wings again_ , he remembers after a couple minutes and he almost trips over his feet. Another thing he’d been trying not to think about. 

"Cas!" Dean yells up at the ceiling, "Cas you-" He has to stop himself from calling him a feathery bastard mostly out of habit. This isn’t the time and he shakes his head a little, "Cas… I need you. I need you, man,  _please_. I fucked up, I fucked up so bad…”

His phone starts playing ‘Highway to Hell’ and Dean’s pretty sure he’s never moved across a room so fast, “Cas? Cas, man, you there?”

"Dean," the other man breathes out, sounding relieved, "Dean, what’s wrong?" He sounds like he’s at a bus stop. There’s someone speaking over a PA system in the background and Cas asks again, more gently this time since Dean didn’t answer, "Dean, what’s wrong? What happened?"

"I fucked up," Dean admits quickly and he hates how small and panicky his voice sounds, "I fucked up really bad, Cas. Kevin… he’s…" He can’t even bring himself to say it, "And Sam…" HIs voice cracks and he feels like he has a whole new host of reasons to hate himself even more, "It wasn’t… Ezekiel, he wasn’t  _him_. He said there was no more Sam, Cas - I fucked up again, man, I don’t know what -“

Castiel cuts him off quickly, “Dean… breathe.” 

"Do I have to?" It’s the hunter’s attempt at a joke but he means it more than he intends to right now. Dean rests against the wall in his room and he slides down onto the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest. He’s trying not to cry again and he knows his best friend can tell.

"Dean," the other man keeps his voice gentle, "You are in the bunker, yes?" 

"Yeah," he clears his throat and nods even though Cas can’t see it, "Yes. Yeah. I’m, uh… I’m in my room." He doesn’t want to go back into the library now or possibly ever again. His room is the one place in the whole bunker that Kevin never hung out in and Dean doesn’t want to be reminded of how he let someone else he cared about down again right now. 

"Stay there," Cas tells him in a calm voice, "I’m about four hours away and I’m buying a bus ticket now. I’ll be there as soon as I can."

Dean nods again mindlessly; he can feel himself working towards panicking again but he’s trying to be calm. He can’t say anything because he’s a little scared of what’s going to come out of his mouth right now.

"Dean," the other man’s voice sounds so sympathetic it makes him a little nauseous, "We’ll figure it out."

It startles a laugh out of the hunter and he rests his head back against the wall behind him, “Cas, you sure you couldn’t hear my prayers the last couple weeks?” 

"Yes, Dean," he can almost  _hear_  the smile on Cas’ face, “I’m sure.” 

He listens to his best friend buy a bus pass from what sounds like an older woman and tries to even out his breathing. He hasn’t had a panic attack since he was seven and the motel they were staying in had a fire but he knows that he’s working towards one and Cas’ voice grounds him. Dean lets himself get lost in the deep tone of the other man’s voice and breathes along with the flow of it.

"…Dean?" Castiel asks quietly after a couple minutes and it seems to snap him out of it. Before Dean can even think about it he hears himself blurt out, "Doyouthinkyoucanstayonthephonewithme?"

He sounds embarrassed and he knows it but he doesn’t want to do something stupid and he knows that if he’s left to himself for four hours, he will. He’ll go find a crossroads or make a deal with Crowley. He’ll fuck something else up and he’s done enough for one day.

"Of course, Dean," Cas smiles and this time the hunter swears he can hear it.

"Okay…" The hunter whispers to himself and nods as Cas starts telling him a story that’s in the Bible (apparently Judas was falsely accused and Cas is still horrified by this historical injustice), "Okay…" 

They’ll figure it out.

**Author's Note:**

> [read it on tumblr](http://deansgoodsoul.tumblr.com/post/69047889866/9-09-coda-major-spoilers-not-happy-dean-things)


End file.
